Hello, It's Me

It's been awhile since I blogged. Been doing ok, mostly. Keeping busy going back and forth between my two homes. Hating my life off and on. Frustrated with school and this class this year. I can only do so much and it is just wearing me down.

Had a huge sucker punch of "you are gone forever" when I dropped my students off at the gym. Made it through the day, but really got hit hard after school. Like a dam burst, that's how bad it was. Can't remember when it was that bad.

Heavy thinking on my way home, and when I took Poco for a walk. Thinking VERY seriously about early early retirement. I could take your retirement, plus work for a few years, and be ok. And by work, I mean ANYTHING but teaching. I could always take a year's leave here, stay in Gothenburg and do something for a year and see how I feel. Could return here, no job or school guaranteed, but it would be a year with no school pressure. Not sure I can take much more of it. Seriously.

So, I will set up an appointment with the guys from Kearney and get some financial planning help.

Love you, Mr. Russell C. Huff. I miss you every day and still cannot believe you were taken from me so swiftly. I didn't even get to say good-bye or hold your hand one more time.

Christmas Ornament Presentation

Is today. At the Methodist Church in Gothenburg. Tim and Alex will be presenting ornaments to all those who have lost family this year. I will not be there. Ostensibly I said it was because of the weather, but in reality, it is because I just cannot face another loss milestone. You. Are. So. Missed.

Honey. Bun.

Oh, a wave decided to hit me. and I decided to take myself to Pump and Pantry after school for a coke and some Cheetos. Walking in, I saw a rack of Honey Buns and immediately thought of you and how you had such a love-hate relationship with them. On one hand, you loved them, but you knew the wheat part of them was such a detriment to your health. (and here you are, dead not of a heart attack or stroke, but of a stupid motor scooter accident.) Well, honey buns, one of those honey buns walked out with me and I am enjoying it right now. Heated up with two freaking thick slabs of melted butter. And I am enjoying every bite. And if the darn thing kills me, well go ahead. Don't feel much like living right now anyway. Miss you. Love you. Forever and always.

Just Another Sunday

Been having what feels like renewed grief all over again. Enough that I even decided to go to the EAP counseling...six free sessions through GIPS. Met once, I talked and talked and talked.

Today in church, I felt like you were sitting right next to me, which made me smile. Then the second worship song had me with tears again running down my face. I just miss you so much.

Poco is weird. He wants to go to Gothenburg when we are in Grand Island and to Grand Island when we are in Gothenburg. I think he is wondering why you aren't at either place and wants to go back and check each time we arrive at the new place and you are not there. He hopped back into the van when we got to GI this afternoon, and wouldn't get out. After I went to Taco Bell to get me bad food, he got out when we got back to the townhouse and has been fine ever since.

Missing you, thinking about you, still disbelieving. :(

Vision or Wishful Thinking?

Yep, one song got me at church again. Love the song, (In Christ Alone) sing it with the radio in the van with no tears. But the beginning music was haunting and the tears just came once again.  Then during the message, I was zoning out a little bit and thought about what dad's funeral would be like at the church. No, dad is not sick, but is definitely weaker than he used to be. As an aside, you would hate to see how frail he is becoming. Anyway, back to my weird vision, or whatever it was. As I was thinking about dad I had a clear vision of you, rather ghostly, though, coming down to the pew where we used to sit, and comforting me with a kiss and a hug. And I just turned around to all the people at church and asked incredulously if they saw that!!! In my vision, I asked, not in real life. It was so very real, though, that you were there to comfort me. I've been missing you so much this past week.

The Struggle Remains

So, again, this grief thing is very interesting. Two Sundays ago  I made it through the music at church without a tear and most days last week as well. Yesterday at church? Not so much. Last song, don't remember what it was, tears caught me by surprise. Then today several times, it was like, "What the heck?" The thought of you being gone from this world was surprising and disbelieving again. I know that's how it goes. You are my heart. Love and miss you, Russell Curtis Huff. Say hi to mom for me.

Today

Today I didn't cry at church.
Today I lifted my voice and sang praises to God.
Today I dropped your garbage bag of toiletries into the trash can in Grand Island.
Today I feel bad about dropping your toiletries into the trash can.
Today you were on my mind much of the day.
Today I felt peace in knowing you are in Heaven.
Today I missed you just as much as the day before. And the day before that. And...
Today I wanted you with me.
Today I felt guilty because I've not cried much for the past few days.
Today came and went and you did not.

Dreams and Comfort

Holy crow...that was some horrific, untrue dream! You had come to visit me, we chatted a bit, but you left abruptly. I muttered to myself, "thanks for visiting." You had stayed by the back door and heard what I said, and came back in. And started to say something...I knew it was not you being unhappy with me, but something else was bothering you. You went into the bathroom to collect your thoughts and when you came back out, I patted the couch so we could talk. You began almost writhing in pain and hollered at "them" to get the weight off of you. You were screaming in pain and hollering about how much the weight on your chest hurt. I hugged and hugged and hugged you to take away your pain, and after awhile you quieted and were at ease. My arms were wrapped around you as you laid on the couch, with my hands pressed against your chest where I felt your strong heartbeat. A strong, erratic heartbeat.

Then I woke up. And shook my head because you were NOT in pain when you had your accident. You were dead before the scooter ever landed on top of you. The men working at the house on the hill would have heard you screaming in pain if that had been true.

Tim and Alex both have assured me of your painless passing.  So now I am left to wonder why I had that dream. I do think you maybe saw it coming, that you knew you were losing control, and of course you had to be awake while you flipped over the handlebars. I imagine you on your way over saying "shit" and that's al I can think about. Did you see me? Did you see any other part of your life scream by? Were you aware of what was going to happen? If you were, I imagine you were hoping that you would die, that you would not end up in the hospital with horrible injuries. And you didn't. You were ushered into the Kingdom of Heaven the instant your neck broke. Yes, you were. No, you were not in pain. I have to hang on to that.

So, why my dream? I don't know...dad and I did go to the Fort to "visit" today, and I took Poco to your empty grave. He had no reaction at all, which was great! He knows you are not there. He knows you are in the good place.

After processing the dream a little bit, I feel like I was able to comfort you. I was able to have face to face and full body contact with you and put your mind at ease and tell you it was all right. And giving you comfort, even if it was just in a dream, has given me a small amount of comfort to keep carrying on without you. Which I do every darn day. I carry on without you, knowing I will see you one day and it will be glorious.

Love you, miss you.

Another Day

Well, how about that? It's been one more day since 2-18-16,  the day I lost you. Another day to remember the huge loss of you. But, another day to remember the blessings of you. Yes, dear Russell, I am remembering how blessed I am to have had you as my husband for 38 years, and my best friend for 40.

At GriefShare tonight I was silent in voice, but not in thoughts. This was week 5, which was about the loss of family. The focus was really on loss of children, but as I watched the video, my mind turned to mom and her reaction to seeing Brian in his casket so many years ago. She was broken-hearted, especially because she had remained hopeful that Brian would recover from his coma. That was not to be, though, not after a year and a half. That day in the Baptist Church, she hurt so much, but as years passed,  I saw her keep her faith, never a hiccup there at all. She and dad were both amazing in how they handled Brian's death, and then Bruce's death. Two sons buried...such a hard thing for parents to handle.

I thought about mom on my drive to the church tonight. And I said how much I missed her. But then my next thought was that I don't miss her nearly as much as I miss you. And you know what? Mom would say that is just fine. Love you both. Miss you both.

And tomorrow is another day.

It Continues

By it, I mean the missing of you, the thinking of you, the never ending thoughts of you. At times the grief is unbearable. The thought of continuing without you is incomprehensible. I want to be with you. I want our old life...you, Poco, and me. I know, I know, I know...it ain't gonna happen. You are gone from this world, but certainly not forgotten. Never forgotten, Russell Huff.  Rest in peace. Miss you, love you, always and forever.

Neglect

I feel like I have been slighting you, Russ, because I have not taken time to update this blog. I continue to miss the heck outta you, I continue to have good and bad days. I continue to not make it through a church service with dry eyes. Thought I was going to make it today because I usually cry during the singing, and today I made it through. Then what does Pastor Mike put up on the screen? An empty death certificate.

Yep, thought about you and your completed death certificate and the tears came down Not a huge amount, though, thankfully. Your death certificate? I've not shown it to anyone else. I did tell Jim what it said, and I think Ralph, Joyce, and Karen Jao when we were in Florida this summer. I keep the promise close to my heart that you felt no pain and that your death came swiftly.

 I rode out to see your curve last Saturday. Threw the new mountain bike (yes, my dear, another new bike!) in the back of the van and drove to the gas station just north of the interstate at Maxwell. It's been a long time since I rode my bike...and I knew I wanted to make that ride first so I could ease my heart for the next one. Anyway, I rode from the gas station out to your curve. I had been that way 3-4 times in the van already. I got off at the curve and walked around. I'm still stymied about what happened. The pavement wasn't bad, the curve wasn't bad. I guess I will never know what caused you to go over the handlebars. I hate it, but I can't do anything about it.

 After I walked around and cried a bit, I rode to the Fort. Sat down in the grass at the foot of your headstone and talked to you a bit. And guess what? When I looked up after awhile, I finally noticed they had put the wrong birth month on your headstone. Oh, I chuckled at that, thinking you would get a good laugh out of them needing a do-over. They had "JUN" instead of "JUL." I called them on Tuesday and a new headstone will grace your remains.

 I am doing well most of the time. I've gone to one session of a GriefShare group. I think it will be ok, so I will continue for the time being. Poco is also doing well. I can actually leave him alone in the townhouse and he is ok! No new scratches. And he is such a funny funny kid. I wish you could see him. I wish I could see you and talk to you one more time. But what I really wish is that I could wrap my arms around you and tell you first-hand how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. Miss you, my best friend, my husband.

Fitting, Really

Yup, taking some time to look through what I have posted recently. I still have to scroll quickly through your obituary post...too hard to see your smiling face and read the words of your life. What is fitting is that the post just prior to yours is mom's obituary. Fitting, isn't it to have the two of you together?

Missing both of you, hope you are able to spend time together. LYM, Russ. Always and always more.

Big Darn Waves

Oh, the waves that rise up and nearly lay me flat still take me by surprise. Didn't get through church yesterday without tears. For some reason it's the contemporary Christian music that stops me up and makes me emotional. That's still ok, except I was actually hoping to get through it. And during the message, I had to keep wiping my tears. Pretty sure Cor noticed because at the end, I got a good hug from her as she wished me a good week. Cor gets it because she lost a son in a tragic accident some years back.

 Made the drive to Grand Island yesterday so I could get to a meeting this morning, then get back to work in the classroom this afternoon. Parts of yesterday and last night were spent lamenting my loss of Russ. This morning, parts ok, except when talking to Patty about Russ' scooter, had to leave. Meeting was fine. Lunch was fine. At school, some major major tears. Glad nobody was around. Unpacking one box, I came across the last thing Russ made for me...a stand for my projector that I used last year. Oh, that was so tough.

 Left to go pick up Poco, and the whole drive home it was like square one again. It felt like fresh loss and the tears ran freely.

 Doing ok now, wave seems to have crested. Man, this grief thing sucks. Big time. And yes, I have faith that I will see Russ again. I have faith that through his faith, he is in a good place...just doesn't make it any easier for me to live without my best friend. The other half of my heart.

 Russ...always missing you.

Nope, Not Yet

Yeah, thought I might start doing something with your closet. So, I did. I opened the door, touched some of the shirts and jackets, then closed the door. Too early. Can't face getting rid of things yet. Oh, how I miss you so.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

So, today would have been your 72nd birthday. Are you celebrating in Heaven? I know you kept saying for the past 5 years or so that you didn't want any more birthdays, and that you were giving all of yours to your niece, Kacie. Well, you have your wish. No more getting older. You are lucky, really. You don't have to live in this world. You don't have to see the aches and pains of a fallen world. It is pretty messy here. I hope you celebrate with your mom and Bud, and my mom for sure. Maybe Wanye and Neleh will help celebrate as well. I cannot begin to imagine what a day you will have there....full of joy and celebration. Way way better than here on Earth. Still wish you were here with me, though, no matter how much I know you are in the good place. Miss you, love you, always.

Another Placeholder Post

Don't have the time to delve deep into my psyche, but man, yesterday and today were bears. This afternoon it felt like I was back almost to ground 0 with the grieving and missing you. I know it comes in waves, but it still catches me so by surprise. No, there really isn't anything anyone can do. I need to let the waves come and the tears flow. You are missed so very very deeply and I still feel the shock of suddenly losing you. I love you, Russell C. HUff. I know you are in a good place and I will see you again.

Interesting, this Grief Thing

So, sometimes I am wracked with sobs and I do not know how I can carry on. Then the very next day I move along just fine. Well, mostly fine. I don't have any way of knowing what my heart will do at any point in time. It is what it is. It helps that I have been putting in hours and hours at dad's house sorting and cleaning and getting it ready for sale. In those busy times, my head just doesn't have time to think about missing Russ.

Hate

Tonight I hate my life. I hate that Russ is gone. I hate the emptiness of my heart. I hate that I can't tell him all the stupid little details of my life. How do I go on without him? Tonight has been a sob fest. But tomorrow I will get up and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. That is what I do. I love you, Russ, and I miss the crap outta you.

Placeholder

More rambling thoughts: The day you died, not only was my heart shattered into a million pieces, but my identity was stolen. The stolen identity cannot be recovered. A new identity will be forged. Someday...

Whatever... or It is What it Is

So, the idea of not eating sugar is a good one. Guess I'm not going to worry about it this summer. This summer is not normal. First summer without Russ, so it couldn't even begin to be normal. Here are some rambling thoughts..... I know not who I am today my heart has been shattered and I am forever changed A normal summer would find me on my bike for hours each day This is not a normal summer My identity as a biker is gone My identity as a wife is gone I know not who I am today A normal summer would find me creatively stitching Alas, my sewing machine sits unused, gathering dust I really know not who I am right now