Neglect

I feel like I have been slighting you, Russ, because I have not taken time to update this blog. I continue to miss the heck outta you, I continue to have good and bad days. I continue to not make it through a church service with dry eyes. Thought I was going to make it today because I usually cry during the singing, and today I made it through. Then what does Pastor Mike put up on the screen? An empty death certificate.

Yep, thought about you and your completed death certificate and the tears came down Not a huge amount, though, thankfully. Your death certificate? I've not shown it to anyone else. I did tell Jim what it said, and I think Ralph, Joyce, and Karen Jao when we were in Florida this summer. I keep the promise close to my heart that you felt no pain and that your death came swiftly.

 I rode out to see your curve last Saturday. Threw the new mountain bike (yes, my dear, another new bike!) in the back of the van and drove to the gas station just north of the interstate at Maxwell. It's been a long time since I rode my bike...and I knew I wanted to make that ride first so I could ease my heart for the next one. Anyway, I rode from the gas station out to your curve. I had been that way 3-4 times in the van already. I got off at the curve and walked around. I'm still stymied about what happened. The pavement wasn't bad, the curve wasn't bad. I guess I will never know what caused you to go over the handlebars. I hate it, but I can't do anything about it.

 After I walked around and cried a bit, I rode to the Fort. Sat down in the grass at the foot of your headstone and talked to you a bit. And guess what? When I looked up after awhile, I finally noticed they had put the wrong birth month on your headstone. Oh, I chuckled at that, thinking you would get a good laugh out of them needing a do-over. They had "JUN" instead of "JUL." I called them on Tuesday and a new headstone will grace your remains.

 I am doing well most of the time. I've gone to one session of a GriefShare group. I think it will be ok, so I will continue for the time being. Poco is also doing well. I can actually leave him alone in the townhouse and he is ok! No new scratches. And he is such a funny funny kid. I wish you could see him. I wish I could see you and talk to you one more time. But what I really wish is that I could wrap my arms around you and tell you first-hand how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. Miss you, my best friend, my husband.