Dreams and Comfort

Holy crow...that was some horrific, untrue dream! You had come to visit me, we chatted a bit, but you left abruptly. I muttered to myself, "thanks for visiting." You had stayed by the back door and heard what I said, and came back in. And started to say something...I knew it was not you being unhappy with me, but something else was bothering you. You went into the bathroom to collect your thoughts and when you came back out, I patted the couch so we could talk. You began almost writhing in pain and hollered at "them" to get the weight off of you. You were screaming in pain and hollering about how much the weight on your chest hurt. I hugged and hugged and hugged you to take away your pain, and after awhile you quieted and were at ease. My arms were wrapped around you as you laid on the couch, with my hands pressed against your chest where I felt your strong heartbeat. A strong, erratic heartbeat.

Then I woke up. And shook my head because you were NOT in pain when you had your accident. You were dead before the scooter ever landed on top of you. The men working at the house on the hill would have heard you screaming in pain if that had been true.

Tim and Alex both have assured me of your painless passing.  So now I am left to wonder why I had that dream. I do think you maybe saw it coming, that you knew you were losing control, and of course you had to be awake while you flipped over the handlebars. I imagine you on your way over saying "shit" and that's al I can think about. Did you see me? Did you see any other part of your life scream by? Were you aware of what was going to happen? If you were, I imagine you were hoping that you would die, that you would not end up in the hospital with horrible injuries. And you didn't. You were ushered into the Kingdom of Heaven the instant your neck broke. Yes, you were. No, you were not in pain. I have to hang on to that.

So, why my dream? I don't know...dad and I did go to the Fort to "visit" today, and I took Poco to your empty grave. He had no reaction at all, which was great! He knows you are not there. He knows you are in the good place.

After processing the dream a little bit, I feel like I was able to comfort you. I was able to have face to face and full body contact with you and put your mind at ease and tell you it was all right. And giving you comfort, even if it was just in a dream, has given me a small amount of comfort to keep carrying on without you. Which I do every darn day. I carry on without you, knowing I will see you one day and it will be glorious.

Love you, miss you.