Nope, Not Yet

Yeah, thought I might start doing something with your closet. So, I did. I opened the door, touched some of the shirts and jackets, then closed the door. Too early. Can't face getting rid of things yet. Oh, how I miss you so.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

So, today would have been your 72nd birthday. Are you celebrating in Heaven? I know you kept saying for the past 5 years or so that you didn't want any more birthdays, and that you were giving all of yours to your niece, Kacie. Well, you have your wish. No more getting older. You are lucky, really. You don't have to live in this world. You don't have to see the aches and pains of a fallen world. It is pretty messy here. I hope you celebrate with your mom and Bud, and my mom for sure. Maybe Wanye and Neleh will help celebrate as well. I cannot begin to imagine what a day you will have there....full of joy and celebration. Way way better than here on Earth. Still wish you were here with me, though, no matter how much I know you are in the good place. Miss you, love you, always.

Another Placeholder Post

Don't have the time to delve deep into my psyche, but man, yesterday and today were bears. This afternoon it felt like I was back almost to ground 0 with the grieving and missing you. I know it comes in waves, but it still catches me so by surprise. No, there really isn't anything anyone can do. I need to let the waves come and the tears flow. You are missed so very very deeply and I still feel the shock of suddenly losing you. I love you, Russell C. HUff. I know you are in a good place and I will see you again.

Interesting, this Grief Thing

So, sometimes I am wracked with sobs and I do not know how I can carry on. Then the very next day I move along just fine. Well, mostly fine. I don't have any way of knowing what my heart will do at any point in time. It is what it is. It helps that I have been putting in hours and hours at dad's house sorting and cleaning and getting it ready for sale. In those busy times, my head just doesn't have time to think about missing Russ.

Hate

Tonight I hate my life. I hate that Russ is gone. I hate the emptiness of my heart. I hate that I can't tell him all the stupid little details of my life. How do I go on without him? Tonight has been a sob fest. But tomorrow I will get up and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. That is what I do. I love you, Russ, and I miss the crap outta you.

Placeholder

More rambling thoughts: The day you died, not only was my heart shattered into a million pieces, but my identity was stolen. The stolen identity cannot be recovered. A new identity will be forged. Someday...

Whatever... or It is What it Is

So, the idea of not eating sugar is a good one. Guess I'm not going to worry about it this summer. This summer is not normal. First summer without Russ, so it couldn't even begin to be normal. Here are some rambling thoughts..... I know not who I am today my heart has been shattered and I am forever changed A normal summer would find me on my bike for hours each day This is not a normal summer My identity as a biker is gone My identity as a wife is gone I know not who I am today A normal summer would find me creatively stitching Alas, my sewing machine sits unused, gathering dust I really know not who I am right now