Vision or Wishful Thinking?

Yep, one song got me at church again. Love the song, (In Christ Alone) sing it with the radio in the van with no tears. But the beginning music was haunting and the tears just came once again.  Then during the message, I was zoning out a little bit and thought about what dad's funeral would be like at the church. No, dad is not sick, but is definitely weaker than he used to be. As an aside, you would hate to see how frail he is becoming. Anyway, back to my weird vision, or whatever it was. As I was thinking about dad I had a clear vision of you, rather ghostly, though, coming down to the pew where we used to sit, and comforting me with a kiss and a hug. And I just turned around to all the people at church and asked incredulously if they saw that!!! In my vision, I asked, not in real life. It was so very real, though, that you were there to comfort me. I've been missing you so much this past week.

The Struggle Remains

So, again, this grief thing is very interesting. Two Sundays ago  I made it through the music at church without a tear and most days last week as well. Yesterday at church? Not so much. Last song, don't remember what it was, tears caught me by surprise. Then today several times, it was like, "What the heck?" The thought of you being gone from this world was surprising and disbelieving again. I know that's how it goes. You are my heart. Love and miss you, Russell Curtis Huff. Say hi to mom for me.

Today

Today I didn't cry at church.
Today I lifted my voice and sang praises to God.
Today I dropped your garbage bag of toiletries into the trash can in Grand Island.
Today I feel bad about dropping your toiletries into the trash can.
Today you were on my mind much of the day.
Today I felt peace in knowing you are in Heaven.
Today I missed you just as much as the day before. And the day before that. And...
Today I wanted you with me.
Today I felt guilty because I've not cried much for the past few days.
Today came and went and you did not.

Dreams and Comfort

Holy crow...that was some horrific, untrue dream! You had come to visit me, we chatted a bit, but you left abruptly. I muttered to myself, "thanks for visiting." You had stayed by the back door and heard what I said, and came back in. And started to say something...I knew it was not you being unhappy with me, but something else was bothering you. You went into the bathroom to collect your thoughts and when you came back out, I patted the couch so we could talk. You began almost writhing in pain and hollered at "them" to get the weight off of you. You were screaming in pain and hollering about how much the weight on your chest hurt. I hugged and hugged and hugged you to take away your pain, and after awhile you quieted and were at ease. My arms were wrapped around you as you laid on the couch, with my hands pressed against your chest where I felt your strong heartbeat. A strong, erratic heartbeat.

Then I woke up. And shook my head because you were NOT in pain when you had your accident. You were dead before the scooter ever landed on top of you. The men working at the house on the hill would have heard you screaming in pain if that had been true.

Tim and Alex both have assured me of your painless passing.  So now I am left to wonder why I had that dream. I do think you maybe saw it coming, that you knew you were losing control, and of course you had to be awake while you flipped over the handlebars. I imagine you on your way over saying "shit" and that's al I can think about. Did you see me? Did you see any other part of your life scream by? Were you aware of what was going to happen? If you were, I imagine you were hoping that you would die, that you would not end up in the hospital with horrible injuries. And you didn't. You were ushered into the Kingdom of Heaven the instant your neck broke. Yes, you were. No, you were not in pain. I have to hang on to that.

So, why my dream? I don't know...dad and I did go to the Fort to "visit" today, and I took Poco to your empty grave. He had no reaction at all, which was great! He knows you are not there. He knows you are in the good place.

After processing the dream a little bit, I feel like I was able to comfort you. I was able to have face to face and full body contact with you and put your mind at ease and tell you it was all right. And giving you comfort, even if it was just in a dream, has given me a small amount of comfort to keep carrying on without you. Which I do every darn day. I carry on without you, knowing I will see you one day and it will be glorious.

Love you, miss you.

Another Day

Well, how about that? It's been one more day since 2-18-16,  the day I lost you. Another day to remember the huge loss of you. But, another day to remember the blessings of you. Yes, dear Russell, I am remembering how blessed I am to have had you as my husband for 38 years, and my best friend for 40.

At GriefShare tonight I was silent in voice, but not in thoughts. This was week 5, which was about the loss of family. The focus was really on loss of children, but as I watched the video, my mind turned to mom and her reaction to seeing Brian in his casket so many years ago. She was broken-hearted, especially because she had remained hopeful that Brian would recover from his coma. That was not to be, though, not after a year and a half. That day in the Baptist Church, she hurt so much, but as years passed,  I saw her keep her faith, never a hiccup there at all. She and dad were both amazing in how they handled Brian's death, and then Bruce's death. Two sons buried...such a hard thing for parents to handle.

I thought about mom on my drive to the church tonight. And I said how much I missed her. But then my next thought was that I don't miss her nearly as much as I miss you. And you know what? Mom would say that is just fine. Love you both. Miss you both.

And tomorrow is another day.