Thoughts

It has been forever since I made an entry here. My mind is doing very weird things in what it is thinking. Right now it feels like Gothenburg's walls are closing in and it is too dang small. So, very seriously considering moving closer to Beth when I am finally able to retire next year. Can I do it? Would my house here sell for enough to find a decent enough house that I could stand it? If I do it, I feel like I'm abandoning Russ here and leaving him all alone, well with mom and dad, in the cemetery. I also know what he would tell me. He'd tell me to go for it, in fact he'd probably tell me to forget Oklahoma and just move to Arizona which I was thinking about in the first place.

I love our house here, I really do. But seriously, what is here for me now? I hate that I have to navigate this part of my life without my husband by my side. It just plain sucks.

Just a Breath Away

Life is mostly just fine. Russ and dad visit frequently in my dreams. Bruce was even in one of my dreams a few weeks ago. What I have found through this grief process is that even when I am doing well, I still feel like I am just a breath away from breaking down, which surprises me so much. I guess that’s just the way it is and will probably be for some time to come.

I have purchased an APQS longarm quilting machine just for kicks. Crazy, considering the expense of the darn thing. I am currently taking an online certification class and am actually considering hanging out a shingle with the intention of making some extra cash. I like to think that Russ would be my biggest cheerleader in this venture. I have no idea where it will lead, but I have to give it a good try.

My main thought right now, though, is an upcoming biopsy that I will have next Wednesday.
Like I said, I am a breath away...

Just So Special

Norman Gene Porter, 84, of Gothenburg, Nebraska died November 22, 2017 at Good Samaritan Hospital in Kearney, NE.

He was born October 31, 1933 in Eddyville, NE, son of William and Caroline (Ogg) Porter.

Norm spent many of his growing up years in Brady, NE, and  served his country in the US Army from 1954-1956. Norm married Margaret Ann Norsworthy on October 19, 1952, and to this union, six children were born.

Norm and Margaret lived in several different towns in Nebraska, Wyoming, and Colorado where he was manager of different lumberyards. Norm returned home to Gothenburg in 1969 and started S & N Building, with his good friend, Sumner Middleton. As a businessman, Norm sold and built many Butler Steel buildings and grain bins, and was a member of their million dollar club.

Golf was Norm’s preferred hobby, and he was pretty good at it, even sinking several holes in one!

Norm will be remembered for his kindness, integrity, and his devotion to his wife, Margaret. He was a long-time member of the Gothenburg First Baptist Church, and there served on various committees. He will also be remembered for his quiet, sustaining faith in God.

Surviving family members are four children; Brenda Huff of Gothenburg, Brad (Mary) of Fremont, Nebraska, Beth (Mark) Jones of Midwest City, Oklahoma; and Bill of Gothenburg; five grandchildren; Adam (fiancee Amy) of Olathe, Kansas, Megan (Levi) Duncan of Blair, Nebraska, and Amanda, Peter, and Stacie Jones of Midwest City, Oklahoma; sister Paula Rogers of Cozad, NE, and brother Robert (Marilyn) Porter of Centennial, CO.

Norman was preceded in death by wife, Margaret Ann Porter in 2014, son-in-law Russell Huff in 2016, sons Bruce Eugene and Brian Ray Porter; three brothers; James (infant) and Herbert and Don Porter; and his parents William and Caroline Porter.

Book signing will be held at Blase-Strauser Memorial Chapel, Gothenburg, NE on Wednesday, November 29, 2017, from 9:00 am - 7:00 pm with the family present from 4-6.

Memorial services will be held at First Baptist Church, 1002 Ave C, Gothenburg, NE on Thursday,  November 30, 2017 at 10:00 am.  

Inurnment will follow in the Fort McPherson National Cemetery, Maxwell, Nebraska.

Memorials may be given to the First Baptist Church, KJLT, or Lions Club.  To sign the online guest book, go to www.blasestrauser.com.

Best Dad Ever October 31, 1933-November 22, 2017

Reunited with mom just in time for Thanksgiving. And you know Russ is at your table as well.

1.5, 18, 547

It has been one and a half years, 18 months, and 547 days since you left me on February 18th, 2016. Has it really been that many days? It feels like just yesterday the police officer and chaplain were ringing my doorbell in Grand Island to tell me the heart wrenching news that you were taken from me instantly, and with no pain while out on your last Earthly scooter ride. Yes, Russ, I know how much you loved that scoot. You told me nearly every time you rode it how much you loved it.

Yesterday I opened the shed for the first time since I sold Brad W. your rider mower last summer. I had wanted to look at your Honda to see if I was ready to list it for sale. Besides all the spiderwebs, I also found a gas lawn mower. I swear I hadn't seen that last summer! I'll have to look at that, too, to see if I am going to use it, or keep at the lawn with the new reel mower, just to make a point. My point being I can use my power to mow and get some exercise at the same time. Now for the Honda...not sure yet.

I am doing ok, mostly. There are some days that are not so good. Would I bring you back? Yes and no. Yes, for me and Poco. No, for you! You would not like to see the world right now. You are in an amazing place. You have no worries or cares, and are where you need to be.

Remember this, Russ, I have loved you for 40 years. You were my best friend for 40 years. You were a good man, and I am richer for having known you. Missing you.

New Stage in Life

I've taken a part-time job as ambassador at the local hospital. I'll check finances in a few months and see how I am feeling about things. I would love to just retire, but I just don't think that's feasible. I'm going to be facilitating a GriefShare group that I hope to begin in September. Hoping that goes well and that the people who need it will be there. Miss you, Russ. Love you now, love you always.

Sucker-punches Continue

Yeah, just walking from the family room through the kitchen and the living room to close and lock the front door, I caught sight of your room. Sucker punch to the gut had me lying in near physical pain on the floor, weeping for the loss of you. Yes, it gets better, but dang it, it still just sucks.

Visited Ft. McPherson yesterday. Laid a pretty cut rose atop your headstone. Talked and shared a bit. I know you aren't there, but sometimes it is comforting to go and see the peaceful location.

Home

Well, my dear, Poco and I are now moved back to Gothenburg. No more driving back and forth. The unpacking and purging may go slowly, but that's ok. It feels good to be here. Wish you were here, of course. I thank you for all you did in the house. I look around and see your handiwork in everything. Love you, miss you.

Dreams

Thanks, Russ, for being in my dreams last night. Of course I can never remember that many details of my dreams, but I woke up smiling. I believe we were in Sedona looking at a place to live. We went into a school where they were having professional development or something like that because there were no kids there. We were both introduced as visitors. People applauded and cheered when you were introduced! They loved you. You asked me if I was still ok with my decision to get out of teaching and I replied in the affirmative. It was nice to spend "time" with you last night.

Second Year

Well, people warned me that the second year could be harder than the first. Boy, have there been days when that is absolutely true. Today was bad bad bad. Of course it doesn't help when I visit dad and get worried about his memory. I guess I'll keep an eye on that and see if I need to bring it up to Aaron this summer.

Miss the heck outta you, Russell C. Huff!

On This Day

So, Facebook has the "On This Day" memories. I should be careful to look at them at the moment. The one that popped up today was your obituary. With the wrong darn picture. I picked the picture too quickly, and it was one of you in Bali, with a comfy t-shirt and of course, your aviator sunglasses. I actually really like that picture. Oh, Russ, can it really have been a year and 6 days already? It seems like you have been gone just an instant. Poco still wants to hop back into the van as soon as we get to either Gothenburg or Grand Island. I know he is thinking, "Hey, dad isn't here, let's go find him."

I miss you. I love you. And I am so very very grateful for all the adventures we had. And I know you are doing well, and I will see you again.

Hello, It's Me

It's been awhile since I blogged. Been doing ok, mostly. Keeping busy going back and forth between my two homes. Hating my life off and on. Frustrated with school and this class this year. I can only do so much and it is just wearing me down.

Had a huge sucker punch of "you are gone forever" when I dropped my students off at the gym. Made it through the day, but really got hit hard after school. Like a dam burst, that's how bad it was. Can't remember when it was that bad.

Heavy thinking on my way home, and when I took Poco for a walk. Thinking VERY seriously about early early retirement. I could take your retirement, plus work for a few years, and be ok. And by work, I mean ANYTHING but teaching. I could always take a year's leave here, stay in Gothenburg and do something for a year and see how I feel. Could return here, no job or school guaranteed, but it would be a year with no school pressure. Not sure I can take much more of it. Seriously.

So, I will set up an appointment with the guys from Kearney and get some financial planning help.

Love you, Mr. Russell C. Huff. I miss you every day and still cannot believe you were taken from me so swiftly. I didn't even get to say good-bye or hold your hand one more time.

Christmas Ornament Presentation

Is today. At the Methodist Church in Gothenburg. Tim and Alex will be presenting ornaments to all those who have lost family this year. I will not be there. Ostensibly I said it was because of the weather, but in reality, it is because I just cannot face another loss milestone. You. Are. So. Missed.

Honey. Bun.

Oh, a wave decided to hit me. and I decided to take myself to Pump and Pantry after school for a coke and some Cheetos. Walking in, I saw a rack of Honey Buns and immediately thought of you and how you had such a love-hate relationship with them. On one hand, you loved them, but you knew the wheat part of them was such a detriment to your health. (and here you are, dead not of a heart attack or stroke, but of a stupid motor scooter accident.) Well, honey buns, one of those honey buns walked out with me and I am enjoying it right now. Heated up with two freaking thick slabs of melted butter. And I am enjoying every bite. And if the darn thing kills me, well go ahead. Don't feel much like living right now anyway. Miss you. Love you. Forever and always.

Just Another Sunday

Been having what feels like renewed grief all over again. Enough that I even decided to go to the EAP counseling...six free sessions through GIPS. Met once, I talked and talked and talked.

Today in church, I felt like you were sitting right next to me, which made me smile. Then the second worship song had me with tears again running down my face. I just miss you so much.

Poco is weird. He wants to go to Gothenburg when we are in Grand Island and to Grand Island when we are in Gothenburg. I think he is wondering why you aren't at either place and wants to go back and check each time we arrive at the new place and you are not there. He hopped back into the van when we got to GI this afternoon, and wouldn't get out. After I went to Taco Bell to get me bad food, he got out when we got back to the townhouse and has been fine ever since.

Missing you, thinking about you, still disbelieving. :(

Vision or Wishful Thinking?

Yep, one song got me at church again. Love the song, (In Christ Alone) sing it with the radio in the van with no tears. But the beginning music was haunting and the tears just came once again.  Then during the message, I was zoning out a little bit and thought about what dad's funeral would be like at the church. No, dad is not sick, but is definitely weaker than he used to be. As an aside, you would hate to see how frail he is becoming. Anyway, back to my weird vision, or whatever it was. As I was thinking about dad I had a clear vision of you, rather ghostly, though, coming down to the pew where we used to sit, and comforting me with a kiss and a hug. And I just turned around to all the people at church and asked incredulously if they saw that!!! In my vision, I asked, not in real life. It was so very real, though, that you were there to comfort me. I've been missing you so much this past week.

The Struggle Remains

So, again, this grief thing is very interesting. Two Sundays ago  I made it through the music at church without a tear and most days last week as well. Yesterday at church? Not so much. Last song, don't remember what it was, tears caught me by surprise. Then today several times, it was like, "What the heck?" The thought of you being gone from this world was surprising and disbelieving again. I know that's how it goes. You are my heart. Love and miss you, Russell Curtis Huff. Say hi to mom for me.

Today

Today I didn't cry at church.
Today I lifted my voice and sang praises to God.
Today I dropped your garbage bag of toiletries into the trash can in Grand Island.
Today I feel bad about dropping your toiletries into the trash can.
Today you were on my mind much of the day.
Today I felt peace in knowing you are in Heaven.
Today I missed you just as much as the day before. And the day before that. And...
Today I wanted you with me.
Today I felt guilty because I've not cried much for the past few days.
Today came and went and you did not.

Dreams and Comfort

Holy crow...that was some horrific, untrue dream! You had come to visit me, we chatted a bit, but you left abruptly. I muttered to myself, "thanks for visiting." You had stayed by the back door and heard what I said, and came back in. And started to say something...I knew it was not you being unhappy with me, but something else was bothering you. You went into the bathroom to collect your thoughts and when you came back out, I patted the couch so we could talk. You began almost writhing in pain and hollered at "them" to get the weight off of you. You were screaming in pain and hollering about how much the weight on your chest hurt. I hugged and hugged and hugged you to take away your pain, and after awhile you quieted and were at ease. My arms were wrapped around you as you laid on the couch, with my hands pressed against your chest where I felt your strong heartbeat. A strong, erratic heartbeat.

Then I woke up. And shook my head because you were NOT in pain when you had your accident. You were dead before the scooter ever landed on top of you. The men working at the house on the hill would have heard you screaming in pain if that had been true.

Tim and Alex both have assured me of your painless passing.  So now I am left to wonder why I had that dream. I do think you maybe saw it coming, that you knew you were losing control, and of course you had to be awake while you flipped over the handlebars. I imagine you on your way over saying "shit" and that's al I can think about. Did you see me? Did you see any other part of your life scream by? Were you aware of what was going to happen? If you were, I imagine you were hoping that you would die, that you would not end up in the hospital with horrible injuries. And you didn't. You were ushered into the Kingdom of Heaven the instant your neck broke. Yes, you were. No, you were not in pain. I have to hang on to that.

So, why my dream? I don't know...dad and I did go to the Fort to "visit" today, and I took Poco to your empty grave. He had no reaction at all, which was great! He knows you are not there. He knows you are in the good place.

After processing the dream a little bit, I feel like I was able to comfort you. I was able to have face to face and full body contact with you and put your mind at ease and tell you it was all right. And giving you comfort, even if it was just in a dream, has given me a small amount of comfort to keep carrying on without you. Which I do every darn day. I carry on without you, knowing I will see you one day and it will be glorious.

Love you, miss you.

Another Day

Well, how about that? It's been one more day since 2-18-16,  the day I lost you. Another day to remember the huge loss of you. But, another day to remember the blessings of you. Yes, dear Russell, I am remembering how blessed I am to have had you as my husband for 38 years, and my best friend for 40.

At GriefShare tonight I was silent in voice, but not in thoughts. This was week 5, which was about the loss of family. The focus was really on loss of children, but as I watched the video, my mind turned to mom and her reaction to seeing Brian in his casket so many years ago. She was broken-hearted, especially because she had remained hopeful that Brian would recover from his coma. That was not to be, though, not after a year and a half. That day in the Baptist Church, she hurt so much, but as years passed,  I saw her keep her faith, never a hiccup there at all. She and dad were both amazing in how they handled Brian's death, and then Bruce's death. Two sons buried...such a hard thing for parents to handle.

I thought about mom on my drive to the church tonight. And I said how much I missed her. But then my next thought was that I don't miss her nearly as much as I miss you. And you know what? Mom would say that is just fine. Love you both. Miss you both.

And tomorrow is another day.