It Continues

By it, I mean the missing of you, the thinking of you, the never ending thoughts of you. At times the grief is unbearable. The thought of continuing without you is incomprehensible. I want to be with you. I want our old life...you, Poco, and me. I know, I know, I know...it ain't gonna happen. You are gone from this world, but certainly not forgotten. Never forgotten, Russell Huff.  Rest in peace. Miss you, love you, always and forever.

Neglect

I feel like I have been slighting you, Russ, because I have not taken time to update this blog. I continue to miss the heck outta you, I continue to have good and bad days. I continue to not make it through a church service with dry eyes. Thought I was going to make it today because I usually cry during the singing, and today I made it through. Then what does Pastor Mike put up on the screen? An empty death certificate.

Yep, thought about you and your completed death certificate and the tears came down Not a huge amount, though, thankfully. Your death certificate? I've not shown it to anyone else. I did tell Jim what it said, and I think Ralph, Joyce, and Karen Jao when we were in Florida this summer. I keep the promise close to my heart that you felt no pain and that your death came swiftly.

 I rode out to see your curve last Saturday. Threw the new mountain bike (yes, my dear, another new bike!) in the back of the van and drove to the gas station just north of the interstate at Maxwell. It's been a long time since I rode my bike...and I knew I wanted to make that ride first so I could ease my heart for the next one. Anyway, I rode from the gas station out to your curve. I had been that way 3-4 times in the van already. I got off at the curve and walked around. I'm still stymied about what happened. The pavement wasn't bad, the curve wasn't bad. I guess I will never know what caused you to go over the handlebars. I hate it, but I can't do anything about it.

 After I walked around and cried a bit, I rode to the Fort. Sat down in the grass at the foot of your headstone and talked to you a bit. And guess what? When I looked up after awhile, I finally noticed they had put the wrong birth month on your headstone. Oh, I chuckled at that, thinking you would get a good laugh out of them needing a do-over. They had "JUN" instead of "JUL." I called them on Tuesday and a new headstone will grace your remains.

 I am doing well most of the time. I've gone to one session of a GriefShare group. I think it will be ok, so I will continue for the time being. Poco is also doing well. I can actually leave him alone in the townhouse and he is ok! No new scratches. And he is such a funny funny kid. I wish you could see him. I wish I could see you and talk to you one more time. But what I really wish is that I could wrap my arms around you and tell you first-hand how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. Miss you, my best friend, my husband.

Fitting, Really

Yup, taking some time to look through what I have posted recently. I still have to scroll quickly through your obituary post...too hard to see your smiling face and read the words of your life. What is fitting is that the post just prior to yours is mom's obituary. Fitting, isn't it to have the two of you together?

Missing both of you, hope you are able to spend time together. LYM, Russ. Always and always more.

Big Darn Waves

Oh, the waves that rise up and nearly lay me flat still take me by surprise. Didn't get through church yesterday without tears. For some reason it's the contemporary Christian music that stops me up and makes me emotional. That's still ok, except I was actually hoping to get through it. And during the message, I had to keep wiping my tears. Pretty sure Cor noticed because at the end, I got a good hug from her as she wished me a good week. Cor gets it because she lost a son in a tragic accident some years back.

 Made the drive to Grand Island yesterday so I could get to a meeting this morning, then get back to work in the classroom this afternoon. Parts of yesterday and last night were spent lamenting my loss of Russ. This morning, parts ok, except when talking to Patty about Russ' scooter, had to leave. Meeting was fine. Lunch was fine. At school, some major major tears. Glad nobody was around. Unpacking one box, I came across the last thing Russ made for me...a stand for my projector that I used last year. Oh, that was so tough.

 Left to go pick up Poco, and the whole drive home it was like square one again. It felt like fresh loss and the tears ran freely.

 Doing ok now, wave seems to have crested. Man, this grief thing sucks. Big time. And yes, I have faith that I will see Russ again. I have faith that through his faith, he is in a good place...just doesn't make it any easier for me to live without my best friend. The other half of my heart.

 Russ...always missing you.

Nope, Not Yet

Yeah, thought I might start doing something with your closet. So, I did. I opened the door, touched some of the shirts and jackets, then closed the door. Too early. Can't face getting rid of things yet. Oh, how I miss you so.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

So, today would have been your 72nd birthday. Are you celebrating in Heaven? I know you kept saying for the past 5 years or so that you didn't want any more birthdays, and that you were giving all of yours to your niece, Kacie. Well, you have your wish. No more getting older. You are lucky, really. You don't have to live in this world. You don't have to see the aches and pains of a fallen world. It is pretty messy here. I hope you celebrate with your mom and Bud, and my mom for sure. Maybe Wanye and Neleh will help celebrate as well. I cannot begin to imagine what a day you will have there....full of joy and celebration. Way way better than here on Earth. Still wish you were here with me, though, no matter how much I know you are in the good place. Miss you, love you, always.

Another Placeholder Post

Don't have the time to delve deep into my psyche, but man, yesterday and today were bears. This afternoon it felt like I was back almost to ground 0 with the grieving and missing you. I know it comes in waves, but it still catches me so by surprise. No, there really isn't anything anyone can do. I need to let the waves come and the tears flow. You are missed so very very deeply and I still feel the shock of suddenly losing you. I love you, Russell C. HUff. I know you are in a good place and I will see you again.

Interesting, this Grief Thing

So, sometimes I am wracked with sobs and I do not know how I can carry on. Then the very next day I move along just fine. Well, mostly fine. I don't have any way of knowing what my heart will do at any point in time. It is what it is. It helps that I have been putting in hours and hours at dad's house sorting and cleaning and getting it ready for sale. In those busy times, my head just doesn't have time to think about missing Russ.

Hate

Tonight I hate my life. I hate that Russ is gone. I hate the emptiness of my heart. I hate that I can't tell him all the stupid little details of my life. How do I go on without him? Tonight has been a sob fest. But tomorrow I will get up and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. That is what I do. I love you, Russ, and I miss the crap outta you.

Placeholder

More rambling thoughts: The day you died, not only was my heart shattered into a million pieces, but my identity was stolen. The stolen identity cannot be recovered. A new identity will be forged. Someday...

Whatever... or It is What it Is

So, the idea of not eating sugar is a good one. Guess I'm not going to worry about it this summer. This summer is not normal. First summer without Russ, so it couldn't even begin to be normal. Here are some rambling thoughts..... I know not who I am today my heart has been shattered and I am forever changed A normal summer would find me on my bike for hours each day This is not a normal summer My identity as a biker is gone My identity as a wife is gone I know not who I am today A normal summer would find me creatively stitching Alas, my sewing machine sits unused, gathering dust I really know not who I am right now

Day 2: Mega Fail

157 Dinner last night was popcorn, lots of carby goodness. Survived yesterday with no wheat and just dark chocolate for sugar. We'll see how today unfolds... So, inertia hit me this morning. That happens every once in awhile, inertia mixed with big sadness. This afternoon I decided to sort through the stuff that I had brought over to our house from dad's house. Took awhile, but I got a lot done. In-between working, I got hungry and thirsty. Bad hungry, and I decided to blow it and grab a coke and cheetos. And dinner tonight? Pizza and another coke. So, sugar grabbed me today and I allowed it. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Miss you, Russ!

Day 1

157.5 Starting the morning with a cup of tea with heavy cream and butter. My tastebuds want sugar. I am not going to give it to them. Well, I did give them a little bit of sugar. Dark chocolate. Not so bad, I don't think. Miss you, Russ.

Time for a Change

I've been eating all things bad since Russ died. Back eating wheat, even though I know how wrong it is for me. I've stuffed spoonfuls if ice cream in me, sucked down gallons of coke, and pretty much just have had a bad food field day for four months. It is time to stop. Tomorrow is (hopefully) the beginning of a 30 day no sugar challenge. I'm even going to try not adding sugar and Coffeemate to my morning tea. Wheat? Gotta stop that, too. It's too danged inflammatory. Wish me luck. Wish me strength. Miss you, Russ.

Photo of Bill, me, and dad at Russ' and my house on Memorial Day, 2016.

Still...

Still find myself wanting to talk to you. My days this week are busy and I am getting through pretty well. Night time comes and once my mind settles, I ache for the loss of you. Morning comes and the first thing I think of is you. My head still shakes at the weirdness of you not being here. How is it possible that you are no longer here with me? I miss you, Russell. I love you forever.

Three

Well, Mr. Russell Huff, it is three months today that you took your last Earthly scooter ride. How do I do this life without you? How am I still standing and getting through each day? When do I stop being flummoxed by the sudden loss of you? I have to think of you and believe that your faith in Christ allowed you to instantly enter into the Intermediate Heaven, where you are blessed beyond measure. You are in a good place. You are loved there. And you are loved here. I miss you so much, but am comforted by all the time and adventures we had together. You are my heart. You are my soul. Forever.

Bit of a Dream

So last night I dreamt that you had bought a HUGE bag of dog food for our Poco. Trouble was, I had already spent a good amount on a huge bag of Blue Buffalo. You told me that you wished I had told you I was buying that because it was pretty expensive. Yep, that is something you definitely would have said. I believe my reply was that I was going to buy it for Poco even if it was expensive. Nice to have you in my dream last night, Russell.

My Heart Without You

So, here's what it feels like: Imagine a 300 pound gorilla with nails as long as windshield wipers ripping open your chest and laying your heart bare. The gorilla hands grab the life out of it, and twist it every which way and more. Then it is pulled out of your chest, thrown against a glass wall, and splintered into a million sharp shards. The shards are picked up and squeezed together to form a semblance of your previously whole heart. Sharp edges remain, it stays twisted, and barely fits into the empty chest cavity. It beats raggedly but still provides a healing life force. It will never be the same, and that is as it should be, because your heart has lost its soulmate.

LYM

Sudden loss is terrible. I feel like you were stolen from me. Even though I knew each day on the scooter could be your last, I was still not prepared for it to actually happen. I didn't get to say good-bye and I love you. But, actually we said good-bye and I love you every night. Every single night. I knew how you felt about me, and I know you knew how I felt about you. I look around our home and see your touch everywhere. I was so blessed to have you in my life for so long. Thank-you, Russell. As you always said, LYM.

Poco

When you sent me the picture of Poco from the Start Over Rover website, of course I said yes! He looked so much like our Utah we had to have him. He has been such a funny dog, made us laugh and laugh and laugh. And now without you, he is good company for me. I was just laughing at him with the new tennis ball I got for him. Batting it around a bit, watching it roll, and then leaving it and attacking his plastic bone. And you know he never lasts long at playtime, so he is now sacked out, with his nose on the rooster I got for him for Christmas. You would be laughing with me at his antics. Three weeks today, Russ. I miss you so much.